I have become so tired, tired of being tired, tired of not being able to change the world, tired of not being able to change the church and tired of not changing myself. Actually, to say “not able to change” is not true. Change is unavoidable. Once you stop changing you are dead. I guess I am talking about a particular type of change, a change towards holistic restoration.
I fight for healing change hoping that God will be on my side. I fight on for healing change on many fronts. Starting with my own farm and home trying to make this world a better place, trying to recreate a Garden of Eden, an integrated organic farm full of fruits, nuts, vegetables, herbs, flowers, perennials and annuals, and an assortment of livestock-cattle, sheep, pig, chicken. My Garden of Eden is a mix of God’s shalom and man’s curse - back-breaking work, cracked ground, pest-infested plants, beauty of bees and frogs, bountiful harvests cause arthritic hands and knees, pride in sweat and in blood, joy from the company of others and emptiness in isolation.
I am tired of feeling alone in the work that I have been called to do. Where is the church of upper-middle class suburbia? Stuck behind walls and idols of comfort and media suppressants. Where am I? Wanting to join them, giving in. I want more for my community. I want more from me. I want more from God. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should want less, be content with less. Ask for less and be more fully present with what I already have. The more I take on, the more indebted I feel, to my job, to my farm, to the projects in which I am involved. Maybe losing our life means doing less, having less and finding joy in less. Simplify and reconnect with the sacred. Sit and be in the wild; be wild. In striving for more, we lose what we have. Being still in the wildness of heart is the mastery not yet mastered.